I miss working away from home.  What’s wrong with this picture?  What’s wrong with me?  Surely something in my brain matter is amiss.  Here I have the perfect opportunity to create my own job doing what I love, setting my own hours, working at my own pace, etc..  But the pay is lousy because I find myself being one of those people who want to go to work and sit around doing nothing and get paid well with benefits for it but do nothing to produce a product to sell.  Crap!

What does a person do to keep themselves motivated and on target to stay away from these types of thoughts?  I subscribe to positive mental attitude reading material to make sure I don’t get in a funk, and still I find myself in that funk on what seems to be a daily basis.  It’s a vicious circle of no motivation leading to depression and then being depressed because I am unmotivated.  I miss being around other people each day.  I miss having a schedule.  I miss routine.  And again I ask, what the hell is wrong with me???

Now that I have unloaded that, I realize from a response in my spam box that I haven’t been open enough with the fears and such going through my head here.  A very eye opening comment it was and I am thinking I should go ahead and approve it because it really hit home.  I was brought up in the old school where children were seen and not heard so I didn’t actually give myself permission to vocalize personal thoughts and feelings until a few years back…that’s a lot of years of “stuffing it”.  I don’t spend a whole lot of time reading blogs because I tell myself I don’t have time for it – HA!  That’s all I have is time!  Stupid me.  I could be learning so very much from these people in the world who are so willing to open their innermost thoughts and feelings to the universe, but noooo, I have to be this way and that way to create a good impression.  Why?  What does it really matter in the end result?  I am who I am, like it or not, and I have worked for years to allow myself the right to be o.k. with that and now that I am here, whatever possessed me to think it was not all right any longer.  Just because I don’t have a “regular job”?

I was diagnosed as being bi-polar several years ago and went on medication and saw a shrink and all the stuff which surrounds that.  After taking the meds and feeling like a zombie, I talked to my doctor and asked him if I couldn’t make it without the drugs and after he said I probably could, I stopped taking them.  I hated the feeling of “not feeling” because of the meds and have been off of them for like 4 years now.  Basically I am happier overall and have learned how to cope with the extreme ups and downs and the depressions which hit sometimes.  I have learned how to recognize when the signs of my behavior begin to change from manic to depressive and vice versa and what to do to deal with it.  This past week has been a depressed week for me so I realize that is the reason for me posting this.  The cycle is changing and moving on the upward swing.  I am coming out of it and that is when I begin to see things about myself I need to work on.  I think it is sort of like falling into a hole, crawling out, and then looking back and seeing where I took the wrong step that led me to fall into it in the first place.

Anyway, I just had to vent this and I hope what I have learned this go round is that I really need to spill my guts and be real more often!